Spread a little Spam
The morning ritual of checking email starts around 9 am. I login. Wow! I’ve received 29 new emails. I grin to myself, “Damn, I’m popular.”First items in Inbox:
Verna Lunsford writes to give me a hot stock tip on the transfer of a product called Lipo-laser. Since I have a lot of money to throw around but don’t have the patience or the tenacity for paying close attention to the ups and downs of the stock market, this info is invaluable to me. Thank you, Verna, for taking the time to think of me.
Blanche Molina sends me a message with the subject line: “Of fall a hurricane layout.” OH, I’m excited about this one. I’m going to finally learn about that damn hurricane layout. What does God do when he’s planning those things? What’s his design process? Does he get drunk first? Did he write a design manual so we can create our own hurricanes? When a part of the Earth gets a bit too dirty, we can whip up a Hurricane laced with 409 to clean it up. Well, I’m awfully disappointed because when I open this email, I realize it’s not about hurricanes afterall. It’s about penises, or rather pills for penises. It’s an advertisement to cure any erectile dilemma. This one gets deleted quickly. 1. I have no penis. 2. I currently know no penis. 3. If I currently did know a penis, it most certainly better not have penis issues (warning to anyone expecting to introduce me to their penis).
Ok, so I’m not that popular. Sigh my deflated ego. Most of my email comes from people with names like Leila Leach, LaTonya Lang, or Serena Stratton—all of whom are not breathing, engaging human beings but rather blowup dolls with lipo-lips. Lipo-lips that were injected with the stuff left over from the Lipo-laser. I’ll buy 100 shares of that, please!
Spam is so prevalent in our lives these days. We run but we can’t hide. Sometimes, we have to take a morsel of Spam and spread it with delight. I learned this from the dear Rory Blyth.
Having received some Spam promoting a penis-enlargement patch, Rory curiously checked out the penis product’s website. He was astonished to find, as am I, these testimonials. (Note: I’m at work so I can’t check out the “actual” website to verify the accuracy of Rory’s details. But, since I’m sure they buggered right out of his own head, I don’t feel the need.)
Thank you so much for your incredible penis patches! I can drive in the carpool lane now. All I have to do is prop my penis up in the passenger seat, put a hat on it, and away I go. Never mind that I can’t really get out of the car anymore – just getting to finally travel in the carpool lane is enough for me.
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My penis is just ****ing huge, man. Seriously. It’s B – I – G. I’m diggin’ it, but my wife was hoping you could send some vagina-enlargement patches soon since she can no longer accommodate my girth. She says that sex with me is like giving birth to a Volkswagen backwards. AWESOME!!!
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I’m writing to you from prison. Why? Because I used your patches for eighteen months straight, and now my penis is a lethal weapon. I impaled several people with it at a crowded mini-mart in October, and now I’m doing time for manslaughter. I nearly escaped by uncoiling it one night, pushing it through the bars, looping it through the guard’s keys, and bringing them back to my cell, but I got caught when someone tripped on and then noticed my forty-five foot long manhood. It was embarrassing, but I think the guards envy me. Thank you for your truly excellent patches!
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I live in downtown Seattle, and there was a fire in my office building last week. The way out on my floor was blocked, but I saved the day when thirty-seven coworkers climbed three stories down my penis to safety. The mayor got wind of what happened and presented my penis with the key to the city. He also ordered that all firemen use your patches for the betterment of public safety.
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Your patches are TOO good!?!?!!! My penis is so large now that I pass out every time I get an erection. Like last night when I was thinking about Natalie Portman naked. All I heard was the roar of gallons of blood pouring into my flaccid penis, and then nothing – the lights just went out. Yep. That Natalie Portman. She sure is a hot one. I’d really like to – oh, crap – it’s starting to-
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Your penis patches worked so well for me that I bought them for the entire family. That jerk Anderson next door isn’t so smug about his Mercedes anymore – not since we’ve taken to draping our enormous penises over the fence during dinner.
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Not only has your patch made my wife a very happy woman, it has also given me a second income. My penis now works as an emergency speed bump for the Oregon Department of Transportation. They call me whenever there’s an accident and they need a way to slow down traffic in the area. They’re also looking into using my penis as a temporary dam in rural construction areas. I can now satisfy my wife AND I’m wealthy beyond my wildest dreams!!!!!
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Wow. I knew your patches would increase the length and girth of my (formerly) microscopic penis, but I had no idea they’d make me famous, too! My penis is now being listed as a tourist destination in my hometown. They’re building a resort on the north end, and a water park a few miles south of there. It’s a little noisy when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, but even so, there’s still something comforting about knowing that so many people have made my penis a destination for their holidays this year. Thank you, penis patch company!
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I’m sending along a clip from today’s paper. That’s me in the photo, posing with my patch-enhanced penis. You’re probably wondering about everything else – it’s the deep sea camera equipment that they attached to my unit before lowering it to the bottom of the Marianas Trench with help of a crane. Because your patches were so effective, we were able to discover over TWO HUNDRED new breeds of fish, all of which have been named after your fantastic penis growth patches. Way to go!
posted by tanagrame @ 10:57 AM
5 Comments:
:)
Just stopping in to wish you Happy Thanksgiving, again. :) I hope you had a great time.
I sense a fabulous stocking stuffer opportunity here -- whether it's the patches, or the results. That Rory -- always full of surprises!
Oh, if you happen to stuff my stocking with the results, please make sure it comes with its owner. Yes, Rory is full of surprises!
That is pretty damn classic.
Aloha.
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