No casual farting in the office--EVER
Warning: This entry contains sophmoric content and may offend the tightly wound.Trapped all day in a cubicle somewhere very, very far away from a window and surrounded by the drips of the IT honeycomb, I sometimes feel like I'm truly working under the deck of The Enterprise. So far, it's been a sterile existence. But, that all ended today when I met the farting man. This person has no problems sharing a series of noisy flatulence with you. And, this isn't just a one-on-one thing. The guy gushes out farts in full conference rooms, and in crowded cubicles. While he strolls down the aisle, his ass hums out an opus in C minor.
Aren't there certain things we all know from the moment we pass through the birth canal? Like, how to suckle, don't spit on people, and eat all your vegetables. No farting in public is on the list. Sure, we've all let one slip here and again, but the typical response is horrible embarrassment. This happens to me when I'm in the movie store or a library. There's something about the patient contemplation of picking out a title that makes me gassy. When I feel this urge come on, I make sure to quietly shuffle away from any bystanders. I digress.
There are office rules when it comes to bodily functions. We all must abide, otherwise there is a breakdown in the 3-steps removed relationship we have with our co-workers.
Since I'm on this sick topic, I thought I'd share a few rules with you on the poop-at-work scenario (citation unknown). Unfortunately, this list doesn't cover what to do when someone comes into the stall next to you and starts heaving and vomiting. I'm not sure about that one. It happened to me the other day, and I just applied the ESCAPEE rule--don't acknowledge.
HOW TO POO AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON: A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.
posted by tanagrame @ 1:23 PM
12 Comments:
This post is hilarious.
I have a possible addition:
"At The Ten and Two"
It seems that the majority of office pooers do their duty at one of these two times. At 10am, the coffee has kicked in. At 2pm, lunch has kicked in.
At both of these times, the horrible stench has kicked in.
I need to add in the courtesy of the Buffer Stall / Buffer Urinal. There are rules when placing yourself in a bathroom & they're adjustable under different circumstances & with varying sizes of public restrooms. If some or all of the rules cannot be met then it may be necessary to abort your attempt, depending upon your level of comfort.
If the bathroom is empty...
consider yourself lucky but be about your business quickly (at least any potentially noisy parts of your business) b/c the solitude won't last...always go to the stall or urinal farthest from the door, neighboring a wall. This keeps you from ever being sandwiched between two other BMers (especially the "regulars"). The only time this rule is reversed & you take the first stall is when the last stall is handicap accessible AND you know or suspect there to be someone in the vicinity who may have need of such facilities. Otherwise, enjoy the penthouse. NOTE: The First Stall is always high profile. If the quantity of stalls exceeds 3 then you may opt to take door #2, however this leaves you wide open to eventually having 2 wingmen.
If you are not the first person present, and cannot reschedule, then it is your duty (yes, duty) to park yourself as far away as possible from the primary occupant or, depending upon the situation (see First Stall Note), with at least 1 buffer stall between the two of you.
The rules go on, but they're basically common sense, except to the "regulars", who hit the head every day at the same time (see segue's comment). Apparently, the excessive amount of "baring down" that these people have done in the past has burned out whatever part of the brain that would tell them to keep as comfortable a distance as possible, or they're so automated in their daily habit that they always go to the same stall, which is where you find the excessive door rattlers.
There's so much more to add, but I don't have the time or the room right now.
Mulcahy, does this mean you're an expert?
It's your topic...I'm just along for the ride.
And yes, I am an expert. I've been pooping all my life, so when major corporations or government entities need an expert...that's when they call me.
Having spent years in an office with IBS has made me a stealth bomber...
Are you happy now?
Dang...Merry Christmas.
Can't believe I missed this.
Absolutely hilarious!
What do you do if the toilet overflows? Hmmm???
Vacate the area, but not too quickly or you may attract unwanted attention. If identified, deny any involvement.
Brilliant!
Here from writermom's.
Purely (you understand) to enter into the spirit of things (ahem):
Watermelons & Havanas carry the added danger of backsplash, dependent on bowl design. A wodge of soft paper hastily added to the water pre-touchdown can protect from that and reduce the noise, acting as a cushion and breaking surface tension. I knew a girl who used to lay bowers of paper across the bowl, held in place by the seat - no noise at all but a mid-air poo which must make the courtesy flush somewhat redundant.
On that note I also knew of a man who always took a box of matches to the loo - he would apparently light one and sweep it around under the rim, to 'burn off all the gases' before they circulated. I guess if he ever worked in an office he would have been King OOTCP.
So glad you have this sorted - essential etiquette - wishing you happy discrete dumping!
Three words for anyone who has time for the paper or a magazine while pooing at work (or anywhere):
Eat more fiber.
Hilarious, Ab. Stopped by via writermom.
I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about... :-D
Oh, and I came via WriterMom, too.
The buffer stall is essential, for everyone's safety and comfort.
Plus, you can't forget to respect the shy bladders/bowels of the world by making sure that if you enter a bathroom and someone else is in one of the stalls but you don't hear anything... that means they're holding it in until they have more privacy! Do your business and GET OUT, don't linger and make them suffer any more than is necessary.
Post a Comment
<< Home