Tanagra: the source of imperishable life: December 2005

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

A Christmas aftermath

The mistletoe didn't bring much flavor to this year's holiday, but we're happy to have ended up with lively Xbox games, baby dolls, a desperately needed couch cover, and extra poundage from the continuous feasting. To smack 2005 before the New Year's first splendid Sunday, let's get down on some cupcakes and all that is Narnia.

The Chronic of Narnia

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Kick it Christmas with WOXY Vintage

Yearning for some kick ass Christmas tunage? Stream into WOXY Vintage for alternative, punk, and indie holiday tunes to groove you through the shopping, holly, and Yuletide squeeze. You'll hear numbers from Feist, Low, Rilo Kiley, Big Star, Squeeze and much, much more. Kick those holiday blues under the tree, toast up with a healthy shot of Jameson, and sing some songs with me. They're playing 24/7 today through Christmas Day. Love yas all!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Santarchy or just some plain 'ole Bad Santas?

A band of drunken Santas pissed off the side of a bridge Saturday night in Auckland, New Zealand, and soaked passing cars in urine. The Santas then proceeded to rampage through the streets in protest against the commercialization of Christmas. They threw beer bottles, dangled from the moorings of a cruise ship, and vandalized a Christmas Tree (at least they didn't molest the tree).

To celebrate their cause against commercialization, the Santas continued to party down. They visited a convenience store and helped themselves to cases of 40 oz beers. They said Merry Christmas (not that commercialized Happy Holidays) to the store clerk and headed out for more gregarious protestin'.

The police had a difficult time charging many of the Santas with a crime since it was hard to identify who did what--they were all wearing the same outfit.

I'm wondering if the Santas granted any wishes that night.

Drunken Santa, my Christmas wish is to have my braces off before I turn 55. I'd like one of those elves to clean my house and babysit for me. I'd like the rust around my kitchen sink to stop showing up. I'd like that kink in my neck rubbed out every night by a completely wonderful man. No, it can't be you, Drunken Santa. Keep your hands off me. Hey, that beard stinks. Shit, Police!!

A police officer showed up, but Drunken Santa punched him in the face. He said Merry Christmas, threw me a basket of oranges, and ran into the darkness. I heard a bottle cap fall from his pants.

According to Wikipedia, the Santa protests against Christmas commercialization is called "Santarchy." Unlike most organized protests, Santarchy permits its participants to be totally smashed in public. As a Santarchist, you can also destroy public property, burn flags, punch the president, and expose yourself. It's a lot like a fraternity, but with a Christmas theme.

Some local Detroit Santarchy can be seen on Kit Burns Was Framed!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Merry Christmas

A Merry Christmas from our house to yours.

It's been a rough and tumble Christmas time for this shopping mom. My daughter went online and created a wish list 4 pages long! In the end, I found myself at the local Limited Too buying trendy outfits and accessories. My son's only wish--Xbox. Ok, I've succumb to years of my kid sitting on the floor with a control pad glued to his hand. After several attempts of trying to get a low bid on ebay, I finally ended up finding the best price at the nearby EB Games. Mickey got a few furry toys and a delectable bone. What does Mom get? Lots of hugs and kisses, which are priceless.

Friday, December 16, 2005

No casual farting in the office--EVER

Warning: This entry contains sophmoric content and may offend the tightly wound.

Trapped all day in a cubicle somewhere very, very far away from a window and surrounded by the drips of the IT honeycomb, I sometimes feel like I'm truly working under the deck of The Enterprise. So far, it's been a sterile existence. But, that all ended today when I met the farting man. This person has no problems sharing a series of noisy flatulence with you. And, this isn't just a one-on-one thing. The guy gushes out farts in full conference rooms, and in crowded cubicles. While he strolls down the aisle, his ass hums out an opus in C minor.

Aren't there certain things we all know from the moment we pass through the birth canal? Like, how to suckle, don't spit on people, and eat all your vegetables. No farting in public is on the list. Sure, we've all let one slip here and again, but the typical response is horrible embarrassment. This happens to me when I'm in the movie store or a library. There's something about the patient contemplation of picking out a title that makes me gassy. When I feel this urge come on, I make sure to quietly shuffle away from any bystanders. I digress.

There are office rules when it comes to bodily functions. We all must abide, otherwise there is a breakdown in the 3-steps removed relationship we have with our co-workers.

Since I'm on this sick topic, I thought I'd share a few rules with you on the poop-at-work scenario (citation unknown). Unfortunately, this list doesn't cover what to do when someone comes into the stall next to you and starts heaving and vomiting. I'm not sure about that one. It happened to me the other day, and I just applied the ESCAPEE rule--don't acknowledge.

HOW TO POO AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON: A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Panic from Detroit takes the long bus to Lansing

Detroit residents have once again demonstrated to the Nation that lawlessness and unruly behavior is our signature in the Motor City. Two busloads of Detroit high school students showed up in Lansing on Wednesday to put pressure on the Board of Canvassers as they met to certify the Michigan Civil Rights Initiative (MCRI), an anti-affirmative action proposal, for the November 2006 ballot. The initiative, if voted into action by the public, would amend the Michigan State Constitution and would dismantle the use of affirmative action in hiring and college admissions.

The kids, who were riled up by some extreme leftist advice, joined the group By Any Means Necessary (BAMN) to disrupt the Board's meeting and infiltrate on the voting process. They shouted protests to the proposal. They stood on chairs and yelled, "They say Jim Crow. We say, hell no." They argued that they should be able to go to college, too, and that the proposal, if voted on next November, would prohibit their opportunities.

It's not clear why the demonstrators were under the impression that they wouldn't be allowed to go to college without an affirmative action ruling in place. Hard work, good grades and a means to pay gets anybody into college, regardless of race, creed or sexual orientation.

What is clear is that the demonstrators contaminated and dishonored a Constitutional process in an unprecedented way. "I have never in my 20 years of service seen such anarchy and lawlessness," said Board of Canvassers member Lynn Banks to Frank Beckman in a WJR radio interview.

In the end, the four members of the Board did not approve the initiative for the 2006 ballot. Two members, including Banks, followed the letter of the law and voted Yes. One member did not vote at all, and the other voted No. The entire Board is now in breach of a court order and must reconvene to put the initiative on the 2006 ballot. Banks said she will not meet again unless there is lawful order and a consensus beforehand that all members of the Board will follow the law.

The MCRI received enough Michigan voter signatures to get on the ballot. Keeping it off the ballot breaks the law. Leaning on appointed officials who are by law required to follow through is scummy. This was an obvious attempt to delay the initiative from being certified for the ballot.

BAMN rallied those kids and adulterated the intent of this State's Constitution. What's more is that the organization taught dozens of naive Detroit students to disrespect the law and due process. If BAMN was so motivated about this initiative, why weren't they organizing responsible protests when signatures were being collected for the MCRI? Why weren't they shouting then? It's too late now. MCRI will get on the ballot eventually, and the State's entire voting population will decide the outcome of affirmative action in Michigan. If BAMN is seriously concerned about those kids' futures, they should teach them about the importance of voting.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tessitura

Tessitura is the Italian word to mean "texture" or "weave," like in the weave of a beautiful fabric. In music, the term refers to where a piece "lies" for voice--how the voice is weaved throughout the highs and lows of the music. The tessitura of a piece determines the type of voice that should be chosen to achieve the most desireable overall sound. In other words, the singer should be able to use the strongest and most beautiful part of her voice most of the time when singing the song and not necessarily just be able to hit the highest or lowest points. (Aren't you glad you just had that flash lesson on voice?)

Turns out Jonathan Williams has a bit of knowledge on this subject, and he puts weaved voices to the test on his CD On The Importance Of Being Confused. Recording under the name Tessitura, Williams has come out with a collection of songs reminiscent of the Elephant 6. Confused is filled with fragrant voices mixed with buzzy guitars, dreamy melodies, and poppy persistence. At times, there's a twinge of Pink Floyd hypnotics hinting at...maturity? All this coming from a casual dude claiming to be "just a guy writing and recording some songs of his own," and giving then giving them out for FREE.

Hold is by far the catchiest tune, and someone please tell me why I feel like I've heard 30 Seconds before? If you are an Elephant 6 fan, you'll like Confused. Download the entire CD at here.

When Williams isn't plucking songs from head for Tessitura, he plays with Cincinnati's The Spectacular Fantastic.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Menino's stop to the Stop Snitchin

The streets of Boston aren't safe anymore. T-shirts baring the words Stop Snitchin are bringing up the crime rate and intimidating murder witnesses. The evil-doing t-shirts must be stopped was the message delivered by Boston Mayor Thomas Menino at an anti-crime meeting last week. The mayor directed law enforcement to seize all Stop Snitchin t-shirts from Boston retailers. The t-shirts will be snatched from their hangers, beaten inside out, thrown into a large dumpster and then set on fire. The pricy flame-retardant line will undergo torture (but nobody will know about that because it's a crime) and then be sent to an industrial shredder in West Orange, New Jersey.

Seriously now, T-shirts causing crime is an interesting concept but there's no muscle in it. It's obvious the t-shirt's designer, M. Antonio Ennis, is trying to send a message. And, it's safe to say that it's a reckless and inciting one, but the message itself does not cause harm, at least not directly. What's more is that the ability to display a message, even one that's riotous, is protected under the First Amendment. I'm perplexed that Menino, a government official, forgot about First Amendment rights before he ordered the seizure and removal of these t-shirts.

The ACLU of Massachusetts brought the hammer down on Menino's directive. But, the mayor is determined to find a way to shut down the sales of these shirts, as well as the Stop Snitchin website. The mayor's actions are well-intentioned, but he's putting his efforts in the wrong place.

Side note: www.stopsnitchin.com is certainly kickin' in design, but it's also a little scary.

Who put the tickle in technical?

Having spent the majority of my professional life writing or directing the development of technical manuals and various technical communications, such as the life-support of all software (aka, "Help"), I thought I'd come across every possible flavor of the tech document medium known to man. I was wrong. Rory Blyth's version of the tech doc is in a genre all its own. It made me squeal with laughter AND I actually learned something. Check it out.

There's a secret message in my geek's manual.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

God's got a sign for you

Have you noticed how God has hired an ad agency to remind us of his presence? Billboards are popping up all over the Detroit metropolitan area promoting messages from God in knocked out type.

I’m sure that God has good intentions, but it’s a little strange to imagine him (or her) sitting in a room full of ad junkies nodding his head in approval or disapproval over a campaign pitch.

This is what I think every time I see one of these billboards. I see God, in his infinite self, disagreeing with the hardworking creative team, giving his input and shoving his muddled ideas down their throats. “Sure. Of course, we can do that,” says the creative team with smiles on their faces.

Then, when God leaves, they agree in stereo how retarded he is. This isn’t right. I shouldn’t be forced to put God in this context.

Driving down Interstate 94 heading west toward Ann Arbor, God tells us “Feeling Lost? My Book is your map.” I don’t want to be cynical about God, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t going to help me when I get lost off the Jackson Rd. exit. Will God help me navigate my journey in life? Absolutely. But, I shouldn’t be thinking about such things while driving my car. I’ll start thinking about how troubled I am, how I can’t pay my bills, how I’m a lonely, aging fool with no purpose. Deep in thought about the pursuit of some guidance, I’ll forget where I’m at and plow my car into the back end of a semi-truck. Do I now get to sue God for putting that damn billboard up?

These billboards prompted me to investigate. I’m concerned about the intermingling of commercial advertising and God. God is an all-powerful presence. And, the last I heard, he was pretty popular. Does he really need an advertising scheme? Apparently, some people think he does.

In 1998, an anonymous donor hired an ad agency to come up with a campaign that would get people thinking about spirituality and their relationship with God. The donor simply wanted to spread positive thoughts about God. There were no specific religious affiliations tied to the messages--just thoughts about God, signed by God.

The original campaign started in Florida and gained wide attention. Ultimately, the Outdoor Advertising Association of America (OAAA) donated billboard space throughout the country, totaling a value of $15 million. Yikes! That's a lot of loot. Imagine the various other good deeds that might have gone toward. The OAAA felt that 2005 has been a troubling time for America, and that it might be helpful to get us all thinking about God again. God's popularity must have dropped a few points between 1998 and 2005. The GodSpeaks billboards are sprouting all over the country again, displaying a set of nine quotes from God. I pray none of them causes an accident.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Remembering Lennon

December 9, 1980. My radio alarm clock went off, and as usual, I awoke to the cluck, cluck of Bob and Doug MacKenzie welcoming me to the Great White North. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes, the clattered voices of the DJs turned serious with the morning news.

Mark David Chapman, a mentally disturbed fan, waited outside of the Dakota, a Manhattan apartment building, as John Lennon and Yoko Ono walked home from a recording session. As the couple approached, Chapman fired shots and fatally wounded Lennon. He died on the way to the hospital.

I was stunned. John Lennon couldn’t be dead! I must have misunderstood. It’s a horrible joke. I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen to check the morning paper. I burst into tears.

An hour later I sat in class, numb from digesting the news. My mind flowed with every Beatles song, every Lennon song…I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ‘round and ‘round. I really love to watch them roll.

It would be impossible to count the number of hours I'd spent with the headphones on wearing out my Dad's Beatles/Lennon vinyl collection. I knew every lyric, every note.

The morning bell rang. Mr. Paul, my sixth grade teacher at St. Christopher's, requested our morning dedications. I raised my hand for the first time ever to offer a prayer.

“I’d like to pray for John Lennon’s spirit and for all of his grieving fans. He was an inspiration to us all.”

Mr. Paul stood frozen in his fro and bushy mustache, staring at me for a long, drawn-out minute. Maybe he was stunned to be praying for a hippie, rock icon. Maybe he was stunned that he was hearing an unsolicited current event from an 11-year-old. Maybe he smoked a joint on his way to work and was trying to decipher my meaning since it wasn’t the usual “I’d like to pray for grandma. She’s having hip surgery.”

My class prayed silently for a few minutes. I could feel a warm chill under my burgundy knee highs. Through the many more years of Catholic school, I never again requested to pray for something publicly.

This Thursday marks the 25th anniversary of John Lennon’s death. His legacy stands strong and his music continues to influence generations old and new. To mark the anniversary, the DVD Deluxe Edition of Imagine was released today. The documentary, originally released in 1988, gives a stirring portrait of Lennon from the days of the Cavern Club to the drunken months he was separated from Yoko.

The project was completed independent of Yoko Ono, which allows for a candid portrayal of the man, his dreams, his music, his loves, and his sufferings. It's everything you can should expect from a movie, but it's what Lennon brings to your heart that makes you understand so much more.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Baby making cocktails need to be flushed

Men making babies with other men. That’s right, the science is almost here. No adoptions or serious choices about who gets to be the biological father. I’m talking Ted and Ed are having a baby. Their baby! Together!

I learned from Wired News that scientists have found a way to manipulate the cloning process so that it can be used to make embryos artificially. Based on this "science," there's no need for the simplicity of just one egg and just one sperm. (click image for full view)

There are some things science should leave alone.

The natural reproduction process is sacred and complicated. There should be no deviation from the original plan: a male sperm fertilizes a female egg, and each must come directly from its original owner.

I realize there are many variations of the reproduction process in current practice. And, I wholeheartedly support them. Surrogates and in vitro fertilization have helped many couples have babies biologically. I support those practices because they adhere to the original plan of female egg, male sperm, and original owner. No tampering.

When you introduce the cloning process to reproduction, you are removing the natural, synchronized formula of baby making. Think about it. What’s more artistic and romantic? A tiny, legless sperm swimming in the race of its life, facing danger at every turn, trying to beat all the other wiggly sperms to finally reach that ellusive ovum? Or, extraction of a donated egg, removal of the nucleus, insertion of skin cells, cultivation, more extraction, coaxing generously to convince cells to be human, insemination of new “human” egg, and pop in the oven for ahhh maybe nine months? It’s apparent that God’s scheme is more lovely than ours.

Although in vitro 86s the romantic journey of sperm to egg, it still holds the fundamentals of conception and offers people the opportunity for a happy ending. This psuedo cloning process, however, is an attempt to reinvent the process entirely. The result is not human. I doubt gay couples are going to be biting at the nub to purchase a non-human biological baby (that phrase doesn't ring properly, does it?). So, I suggest those scientists take off their gloves and pick up a couple cans of Playdough.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Stately grapes

It was a good day for Michigan wine enthusiasists. The Michigan Senate committee unanimously passed legislation allowing direct shipments to Michigan consumers from wineries throughout the United States. This includes Internet sales.

Under the legislation, Michigan consumers will be able to buy up to 1,500 cases of wine in a given year over the Internet and through mail catalog sales. That's a lot of wine! A total of 18,000 bottles of wine per customer in a year's time. That's more than enough wine to satisfy the average wine-aholic. But, the greater good about this legislation is that it allows for the purchase of out-of-state wines that consumers would not ordinarily be able to buy unless they visited the wineries in person.

I became very attached to some Washington State wines when I lived in Seattle. But, I've had to go without because I now live in the Midwest. With this new legislation, I can order those favored bottles directly from the winery. Sure, I'll be obliged to provide my age through a verification of some sort (e.g., fax, email of a driver's license), but that inconvenience is miniscule compared to the inability to savor wines outside or my grocery store or specialty region.

Queen vs 50 Cent, finding somebody to love

If you haven’t been introduced to the world of mashups (get in the now, people) here’s a little introduction.

According to Wikipedia, a mashup is a term used to describe a website or web application that seamlessly combines content from more than one source into an integrated experience.

In most cases, a mashup takes a song from one genre and mixes it with a song from a different genre, creating a collision of music that would never be formed otherwise. It’s like musical Twister. Some mashups work but most are ridiculous. The important thing to keep in mind is that, sometimes, “ridiculous” equals entertainment.

This isn’t the best of mashups, but I just love the idea of a flaming 50 Cent. Check the sounds here.

Tanagra: the source of imperishable life